May 28, 2010

God, I HATE Being Alive!

Ah, lifeIt's lonely, bitter, painful, and boring. We live alone. We die alone. We suffer. We die. Do I have the strength, the discipline, the WILLINGNESS to see it through to the end? I'm 44 years old. Statistically speaking, I only have about 30 years left, and in my case, probably less than that. And the last 10 years of my alloted time on Earth will probably suck the big, hairy root vegetable.



My friend K called tonight. One of my only guy friends. All my friends seem to be women. K is the only male friend I have who is willing to discuss real topics like death, aging, loneliness, horniness, career, etc. Right now, he's in Alabama attending his stepson's graduation and dealing with his hellion of an ex wife, who's a fucking cunt on wheels.

K and I are in similar situations. We're the same age (OK, I'm 6 months older). We're both developers, although he's more of a mid-level executive now, while I'm still a lowly code geek. We're both really burned out on our jobs because we've been in the computer industry like forever. Maybe it just FEELS like forever in my case. I've been doing this work for 11 years, which is like 50 years in the "real" world. I think computer jobs are sort of like dog years - 5 years of "real" time pass for every 1 year of computer industry time. Anyway, K has been doing computer shit for over 20 years, so it's like he's actually about 100 fucking years old!

We are also both loners, and our love relationships with women always seem to be total fucking disasters. I can't seem to keep a woman to save my fucking life, and K is divorced and dating a work fuck-buddy up in Vancouver, and that situation has been a total nightmare.

We're also both afraid of dying alone, although that reminds me of a great quote from Up in the Air, which I just watched the other day:
"Starting when I was 12, we moved each one of my grandparents into a nursing facility. My parents went the same way. Make no mistake, we all die alone. Now those cult members in San Diego, with the sneakers and the Kool-Aid, they didn't die alone. I'm just saying there are options."
Thank God for options, right?

36 comments:

  1. You are so goddamn funny and you express it well. Can you believe it, you actually made me laugh and you are so spot on. awesome. I hate being alive too, I feel like, I was born with the cord around my neck twice, that makes me wonder was I not supposed to be alive? It was like an oops, this one is not supposed to make it, but doctors changed the destiny. I've never been happy.

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  2. i remember that line from up in the air, it was a pretty depressing movie.

    your story is pretty depressing.

    we should be able to sue our parents for creating us, get our slumber in peace back.

    my mother contemplated aborting me and my younger, she should have. Life has been heartbreaking, gut-wrenchingly disappointing, painful, ugly, rotten, empty, pointless, and sinister. Feel hurt like I was lied to my whole life.

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    1. I relate to your post-----absolutely should not let back stabbing parent-----fuck us over---and walk away---I didn't f'ing asked to be betrayed---back-stabbed and fucked over by the hateful maladjusted parent----society doesn't require-----parents---to provide
      any real support--and assistance to children-----just let them do what they want----and I know how hatefilled and abusive a parent can be------and also-----a pillar of the community---and NO body gave a crap----world full of only selfish hypocrites----see no evil

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  3. stumbled upon this after googling "i hate being alive". At 38 yo I am so tired of struggeling. I was downsized, haven't found a job and it has been a year, I have Multiple Sclerosis, I hate where I live and need to move but we've lost so much money on the house and in savings thanks to the market spiral. I feel trapped in my unhapiness. I've tried throwing meds at in the past just to make being alive less horrible but...side effects. I think it is a sad state for humanity when people are so broken they have to have pills just to cope with just being alive. Maybe not everybody should be saved.

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  4. I found this after googling 'I hate being alive' too, just like the post above. I am 40 years old and living is like one long, painful joke with a morbid ending. I have Aspergers Syndrome, and I am horribly intelligent. I say 'horribly' because it makes my suffering even worse to understand so much of what is around me. No one cares about anything in this world - but I do. It hurts and hurts and it never stops, I have felt this way since I was about 13 years old.

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  5. Wow, I'm so sorry for all of the suffering I'm hearing in these comments and I relate so much to what everyone has said. I'm 45 years old, also "horribly" intelligent, and live with constant fear and paralyzing anxiety, plus some moderately severe stomach problems. Sorry everybody!

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  6. I am 58 tall, dark, friendly and articulate. The kind of person you would think would be successful at something. But no, every time I pull the trigger nothing fires. Maybe I should interview for a living and sell the job to someone else. I lived with my alcoholic wife for 17 years doing what I could to defend her from herself. She sobered up about 8 years ago and figured out what a loser I am. We are more room mates than a married couple. I am living a pride-less slow death and some times I just want to hit the accelerator an get it over with.

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  7. It seems like I'm not the only one to google "I hate being alive". I guess it's the only safe place we can "say" that.

    When I was completely engulfed in my depression, I didn't care that other people felt that way too. Knowing they were just as depressed as me didn't help my pain any. I guess the rational is, if other people are depressed and coping, then you can too damnit! But I really didn't care if they were coping. I just knew I wasn't.

    Now that I don't constantly think about suicide, I can empathize with others going through depression. Maybe we're all depressed, maybe that's kinda normal. Who's to say we're all supposed to be so frickin' happy? We see all those "happy" families on TV, in commercials or pictures of smiling friends selling this or that. Everybody's so damn happy! Then we start to feel like we're losers because we're not walking around with a stupid smile plastered on our stupid faces!

    Well I'm sorry you all are sad. I'm sorry I'm sad too. It does actually help me now to know not everyone but me gets sad. It makes me feel a little more normal.

    I hope tomorrow is better for you, and for me. I think we all need to quit trying to measure up to what we think everyone else is trying to measuring up to. We just need to measure up to ourselves.

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  8. I'm only 20 and I hate being alive too(I googled the phrase as well)... I have for about 8 years. Even when I am not really feeling sad, I always have thoughts of suicide.
    I relate to the "horribly intelligent." My problem is that I can't understand, with how big beautiful and seemingly infinite(yet mysteriously concise) the set up of the universe is, why does depression and the lack of will-to-be trump all of that?
    It's really shitty to know that it doesn't get better with age...

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  9. Okay, I googled this as well.

    44 years old, have successfully killed myself TWICE and was brought back to amuse God because I'm so gosh-darn funny. I've hated life since I was 17 and I've been on the slow track to the grave. I have headaches all the time and mini-strokes and I pray to God that I have a tumor or something that will kill me without me having to make another attempt. The truly sad part is that there are soldiers, husbands, mothers, fathers dying each day, praying desperately to live to take of their spouse/children/significant other/family. I have NONE of those things and pray for death each day. Ironically, they are the ones dying and I'm the one who's alive.

    Told a friend of mine about my suicide attempts and he said, "Maybe you just suck at killing yourself." (great guy). I looked him square in the eyes and said, "no, I suck at staying dead. Fortunately, that's a skill you'll probably get right the first time." That shut him up.

    No one really understands... there's no such thing as 100%. Not everybody likes chocolate, not everyone thought "The Matrix" was a great movie, and not everyone would like to have a mansion and a maid. Why does EVERYONE seem to think that ALL of us should like life?

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    1. It always frustrates me that people say things like you should be yourself, but what If being yourself does not get you what you need. Others talk about how happiness happens when you stop waiting for it. I spent too much time doing things alone, and now I am just plain sick of it. My history proves that I am not destined to be happy, and have spent way too much time alone. How can I have hope. Each time I try I am rejected.

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    2. This is spot on. I pray every day for death as well and think how fucked up it is that people fight so hard to live and end up dead. I would gladly give my life so that someone who wants one can have one. I try and reach out, not very often, but sometimes I just wish I had someone to hold me and say it is ok. However, anyone you cry to or reach out to always get upset and tell you to put your big girl pants on and deal with it, stop getting emotional about everything, it isn't that bad, blah blah blah. Fuck them all. If I could get over it i would gladly do so! Who wants to feel this way!? It is literal hell. Somewhere in a past life I must have fucked up bad.

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  10. I googled "God I hate aging" and not "I hate being alive" and came up with this page lol. However I do relate to a lot of what has been said here since oftentimes in my life I have wished I had never been born. It gets even harder as you get older (I'm 40 now) because it feels like time's running out for changing things. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way, though I'm not glad you guys here feel so down too. I feel for you all and I feel sorry that you're going through shit too. Seems like the human condition is tough for many.

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    1. Reading these replies, It's like we are all the same person with different names & faces. I too can't wait to move on. It makes me sick that the medical community is always trying to find ways to make us live longer. That's the last thing we need. I just want more legal drugs to make life tolerable, legalize everything. I too would much rather not to have been born; if only I had been asked... I hope we are not in hell for something we did and I hope I don't have to be reincarnated.
      I watch those shows on TV about people who died for a few minutes due to illness or accident and came back, even though not all stories like that are good, those stores are the only thing that gives me any kind of hope for joy. I just want to die and to be there, even if it's a "big black loving void" like one guy experienced, I just want to go, it's my only wish. Even if I could just sleep for eternity I am way past ready to get out of here. It sounds so ungrateful when I think of the beauty of this planet. It is the most exquisite place, but it's just impossible for me to have any peace or joy. It's a waist of time and I feel like I am just using up air for no reason. I wonder what percentage of the population in the U.S. feels as we do... Thanks for not letting me feel like I am in soooo alone..

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    2. Glad I found this site! This whole world is the pits ... utterly pointless. I stick around because I hope I might begin to understand what God wants of me; however, I'm thoroughly disgusted with all the self-righteous twits who keep on forcing me to live when they ought to let me go! I can't wait to catch Ebola, or something....

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  11. I'm 22, graduated with an interest of entering the design field. It seems everyone wants someone with experience nowadays. It makes me wonder when everyone with that experience dies out, who will fill those jobs?

    I used to hate life because of every little thing(being broke, getting picked on, no girlfriend, ect) now I hate life because I can't find work in the design field. You may called me spoiled, but I am a person who doesn't ask for much or get ANYTHING in life. I worked hard in school for it, but no internships were handed to me, no jobs, nothing. One may say that I chose the wrong profession, but that makes Life even MORE horrible. Not being able to be what I am passionate about just because I need this made up thing called Money.

    Now I work at some boring desk job. I feel like a 45 year old going through midlife crisis. Glad to know my life is a piece of crap at an early age. :)

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  12. I am a single mother of 3 teenagers grandma of one. I am 36. Reclusive. Depressed.addicted to xanax. The one man that ever truly loved me and helped me with my kids died 3 years ago. I went to college. Got 2 degrees and haven't found a job. I can't even afford to keep my car running
    My college degrees served no.purpose other than to put me in debt for the rest of my life. Oh...and I break my neck to make my kids happy and they treat me like shit. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

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  13. i have never ever wanted to live either but for some reason god is keeping me here!!! i pray for a terminal illness every day although that's something that can't be said aloud!!! its not a chemical imbalance either its just how i view life...i wish people like us had a choice to live or not :(

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  14. I am 47 & ready to put a fucking gun to my head.
    Nothing goes right, 47 been jobless over a year been to more goddamn interviews & test then fucking grains of sand on the goddamn beach.
    I too wish I'd just fucking go to sleep & never wake the fuck up, fuck this god forsaken planet & sad excuse of an existence.
    I've been jacked around by bitches Have not been in a relationship in like 12 years, at this point I don't want one I just want to fucking die, fuck this whole fucked up nightmare.
    If there is some wonderful fucking God then where the fuck is he cause he sure as shit aint doing me any fucking favors, fucken asshole.
    I wish I'd meet this bastard I'd kick him so fucking hard in the balls his head would pop, if he has balls.
    So who ever, what ever can take this lousy fucking life this miserable screwed up god forsaken fucked up planet & shove it straight up their fucking ass.
    I am so sick of everything, if I keep drinking my liver is probably going to fail & I don't give a flying fuck because being sober is nothing but fucking torturous nightfuckingmare, fuck this god damn bullfucking shit.
    All I have is nothing but negative shit, looking like I will loose my condo, car & all my shit in my condo & probably my fucked up fucking mind.
    I've been seriously struggling for over 3 years & dealing with unemployment for a little over a year, nothing but stress & depression that is about it, who in the fuck would want to stay alive in this god damn fucked up nightmare.
    I'd rather be one of them jungle fuckers living off the land with no suppressive fucked up government breathing down your god damn neck & taxing the fuck out of every god damn thing they can to fix their continual fuck ups. I wish some one would take a bulldozer bulldoze all them fucking criminal politicians out & take back our god damn government.
    I've been to AfuckinA psychiatrist, psychologist, church & who the fuck knows what else & non of this crap works what a bunch of god damn fucking horse shit.
    Fuck this world & all it has to fucking offer cause it don't offer me a god damn thing except stress, depression, anger, rejection, misery, problems, isolation, & any other miserable bullshit it decides to throw my fucking way.
    So fuck this fucking place, hopefully I'll get the balls to blow my fucking head off cause I'm ready to exit I really have no interest or reason to live another day.
    Hopefully some one shoots me in fucking the head & saves me the god damn trouble.
    How's that for a miserably fucking son of a god damn bitch

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    1. Wow Man, I hear ya.... I've been in the same miserable existence... bipolar depression since I was 17, moderately successful early on, but the last 5 years I can't find any real job other than waiting tables... stress depressed bankrupt, credit shit, no money and stuck like a fucking loser in a stupid nametag, apron wearing job, where the 22 year old manager tells me ( 47 yr old man) to clean the tables. I've taken a gun into the woods several times, and believe me...it aint easy pulling that trigger.... I'm afraid to go to hell, so I continue like a zombie, walking aimlessly through this life of hell. Sorry I wasn;t more encouraging... hopefully things have improved for you.

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  15. Made the trip to see all and say goodbye (without them knowing that part), had all planned. Don't want to end up a veg or in a coma so figured pills and drive over an out of the way cliff and shoot myself on the way down. Got home, car broke down and robbed and they stole my gun. Really? F-ing REALLY???

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    1. That's pretty classic, sounds like my god damn luck.
      One of the main reasons I hesitate to shoot myself is I am afraid I'll fuck it up some how & end up a veggie in a wheel chair being taken care of, fuck that shit.
      One sure way is cuff a fucking anchor on me go out to a very deep part of the ocean & jump in, pretty sure it would be a sure death.
      Only problem for me is I have a fear of drowning, someone nearly drowned me when I was younger so death by water kind of freaks me out.
      I recently took about 20 or 30 sleeping pills, I took like 10 or 15 at first then figured I should take more so I poured about 10 or 15 more in my hand, hesitated & said fuck it I am done, I swallowed them & first thought was I better call 911, then I said fuck it and laid down to die & low & behold next thing I know I am sitting at my computer at like 7 in the morning & my brother comes up to me telling me of a murder that happened across the street, I was so completely out of it, I heard him saying all kinds of shit he wasn't saying, I could barely even talk.
      After he left I did look out the window & saw several cops, I was so spaced out I did not know what I did, I began to get paranoid, seeing shit, hearing shit, then I started thinking what if I was at the seen of this crime (absolutely no reason why I would be)I was trippin pretty bad, at one point I thought a cop was at my door, I thought I heard a radio & my door bell ringing ( out of all the condos in my unit & all the houses closer to this seen why would they pick my condo)I continued hearing things & seeing shit long after the cops left & then I found a several page suicide letter I had written & then I remembered what I had done, I now realized I am trippin off of sleeping pills, then I started thinking maybe I am dead, it was a very wild trip.
      I've taken my share of drugs in my past & this was pretty high up there, not in a good way either.
      It was like coming off a bad crack high & being on a very bad acid trip at the same time, very, very unpleasant.
      I will never do that again.
      Maybe where not meant to go yet, why I don't know?
      It's like seeing a plane crash & 299 people die & 1 person walks away?
      Or a perfectly healthy athlete in great shape dies suddenly of a heart attack?
      Trust me I feel the pain as many do on here & wish I would go to sleep & stay a sleep.
      I honestly live a better life in my dreams then being awake, go figure.
      I wish this would go the other way.

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  16. hey, you guys.
    having a girlfriend is not the be-all and end-all. you guys need to stop staking so much of your happiness on women. we can't make you happy. only you can make you happy.
    stop staking your happiness on external things. it's only going to make you miserable. who the fuck cares if you can't find work or have no money. it's useless to obsess over these things. I personally have been living with chronic pain for nearly six years, and I have been able to distract myself pretty well up to this point. you just have to focus on the good stuff. I don't want to trivialize this, or pretend it's easy because it's not. but I think you can do it.
    OF COURSE you are not alone, and of course there are other people suffering too. I find it interesting the the majority of posters here seem to be men. men, I have noticed tend to be more self-absorbed and less connected to the people around them. you guys have got to reach out to others --"the world is as soft as lace," as a not-very-famous singer-songwriter once spoke.

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    1. Your post is pretty rude and condescending. And I say this as a woman who struggles with many of the same problems the men here have mentioned. As for "who the fuck cares if you can't find work or have no money." Are you serious? Unless you're living off the system or have someone else to take care of you, then not having money means not being able to keep a roof over your head or food on the table. So yes, some of us care about not being able to find work. I hate when people tell someone who's depressed they they're self-absorbed. It's one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard. Good for you that you can distract yourself from your "chronic pain." But don't expect everyone to be able to eternally distract themselves from the emotional pain in their life. And if you're so above the self-absorbed posters on this blog, how did you even find your way here in the first place? Most of us got here by searching "hate being alive" or something similar. This isn't a blog that you would just happen upon if you were searching something about how happy you are and how wonderful life is.

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  17. I'm A 32 year old woman. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since 12. Anyone I felt any unconditional love from is dead and gone. I hate waking up. I wish so much there was just a button I could push and end this ish. Happy new year to my fellow victims of life.

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  18. Life is tough. there is no doubt. But when I get down and think of how crummy life is, I consider that there are those that were born paralyzed or retarted, kids in africa are getting there arms hacked off with a machete, these people are no different than you and me.... Then I look at things totally different. There are lots of afflictions in the world because of sin. we are in a inbetween (heaven and hell) place here in this world where we have a better hope, a much better option (heaven) . Where we can live forever in true happiness with Jesus. Heaven is His home! But, to be allowed in someones home, you must be respectful of the home owner, and obey the rules of the house! No?.... This life is a short little proving ground where you will be tempted in every area, and will be made to live with your fellow man who are also selfish sinners. So it makes for a tough life. But really when you consider how much worse things could be for you and stop focusing on yourself, and begin to try to improve the life conditions of those around you instead of selfishly complaining about what you dont have..... People are shady, many dont feel much love from this world so they feed into that and become shady and shrued even more so. But forgive others faults, tresspasses against you etc. You are not perfect either I guarantee, and know it or not you have hurt someone, you may not have even noticed because they are so insignifigant to you. But they are priceless to God as you are. God will not force us to do rite. It is up to each one of us. We have a choice. God is our true judge of character, not your buddy or your mom or the court of law. And He is a perfectly just judge, He cannot let sin slide unpunished. Its not rite to let a murderer or child molester or theif go with no action taken. Thing is, God loves us so much He doesnt want us to suffer but sin has to be punished, its a dilema. Its like being not able to pay your fine but then the judge personally pays it for you, because it has to be paid and because justice must be served by a just judge. Thats exactly what God has done for you and me, praise God. God came into the earth as one of us, we know him as the son of Man, son of God. I tell you the truth, God suffered just like us in this boring, crummy life. But He didnt lay around waiting to die and complaining. He worked diligently to help other people. And after living a hard crummy but PERFECT life without a blemish of sin. He became the perfect sacrafice to substitute in place of you being punished if we will accept it. He took on our sin debt willingly He loves us so much. Jesus couldve had all types of women to feed his lust, or been an extremely successful business man to feed his greed, or been a great ruler to feed his pride. But He didnt. He went without so much willingly, and for us.

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  19. All the miserable people are simply unsucessful and unfortunate. Not everyone can be a winner. Laugh it off and check the clock. Money or death is the only freedom. The only thing worth saying is dont dwell on things because that only makes the hellride three times longer. Pat yourself on the back for each second you get past and savor a good meal. Everything else is BS.

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  20. Just found this myself after typing that phrase. Guess this feeling is common and not only felt by a select few. I have found some comfort in reading and relating to comments above. The sleeping pill guy cracked me up, dude don't kill yourself become a comedian.

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  21. I am 24 years old, male. They say I'm handsome, but I don't know. I have a wonderful girlfriend who only wants the best for me, a loving mother, as well as some of the best of friends and brothers that anyone could ask for. I have two degrees and another one waiting for me to finish. Money is not a problem for me. I know what it feels like to have nothing, but I've also lived the life of a young undying king.

    There are not many things I have to be sad about.

    BUT, I hate being alive. I think the world is a big, beautiful, amazing place full of wonder and opportunity, but I also see it as a very tempting place, where my temptations will only lead to pain, suffering, or displeasure.

    I feel so restricted...I often find myself daydreaming that maybe if I had wings or something I wouldn't be so miserable...shit, I don't know.

    Anyways, my point is, I hate being alive. I have nothing to live for but the ones who want me to live. Every single day of my dull drawn out life is the epitome of painful. I frequently starve myself due to lacking any motivation to get out of bed. I used to have good hygiene, but I let that go with the food. I stopped caring about nice clothes, all my stuff is old, ripped, or handed down. I used to program/build computers as a hobby, but now I don't even turn on the tv while lounging in the living room.

    Idk..I can't express myself much beyond the point that I'm hopelessly miserable and can't help but wish I was dead...and here's the kicker. I don't want to die, because I'm deathly afraid of what happens next. (And my family would miss me for some strange reason...they are probably secretly miserable too)

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  22. Well, seeing as you don't want your computer job, and I want one, can I take your position after you finally stop bitching and actually finish yourself off? Call me on Australia, Qld, 32012953. I wouldn't mind helping you finish your pathetic ass off, either. Just being helpful. Ask for Terence.

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  23. you are so lucky to actually have a friend that cares enough to call you, me I have no one. I am alone in this world and if I died tomorrow there isn't not one person in this world that would give a damm

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    1. SAME HERE-----PEOPLE ARE SELFISH-----ONLY REALLY CARE
      ABOUT THEMSELVES-----
      THE VERY FEW KIND AND TRULY CARING PEOPLE ARE SOOO
      FEW----THE REST ARE MERE POSERS---(ALWAYS WITH_A SELFISH AGENDA) THE WORST HATERS___ARE THE "CHURCH PEOPLE"-------NOT ANY REAL CHRISTIANS---in those who preach----lecture----and join churches
      The only REAL CHRISTIANS-----NEVER----EVER PROCLAIM THEIR----"FAITH"-----because they are too busy LIVING ----THEIR FAITH------to YAP about their "BELIEFS"-----and FAR TOO MODEST-----THOSE ARE THE REAL CHRISTIANS----I KNOW---
      I KNEW 2----just like that----WHO NEVER------EVER-----said they
      were religious-----and NEVER EVER "TALKED" about their "BELIEFS"-------they were as "GOOD" as Christ---was----and had no ego

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  24. Speaking of God, i really hate that Scumbag for Not giving me a wife and family.

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  25. I love being alive, but it was God the filthy Scumbag that put me on this rotten earth to suffer.

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  26. Got laid off last month. Now I'm home all the time, no girlfriend, not much money. Yep, life is the opposite of good. Maybe it'll change, but life has been consistently bad.

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  27. Heh, guess what I googled? 59-year old man, disabled vet, blew 5 years trying to get married to the love of my life ... and succeeded. Oops. Still recovering from the divorce, but 20 years stunned and alone is far better than 7 years in that marriage. Both kids inherited the ex's secret mental health issues; the girl went to drugs and the boy's a heavily armed psychopath on the East Coast somewhere. I just put my mentally ill grandson in the taxi to go to his special needs school, where the teachers are younger and faster (he hospitalized his kindergarten teacher, a wonderful, beautiful woman.) I have just sold the houses I loved so much, including my parents' place where I was going to live, to go deep into debt to live in a place with awesome mental health care.
    The two things I hang onto: (1)not rolling the pain downhill onto other people. I volunteer several places while the kid's in school, and do some other stuff to try to leave it all better than I found it. (2) The only thing my mother ever asked of me was that I never picked cotton. She'd been a migrant farm worker and wanted our family to step beyond that forever. So all I have to do to get one thing in my life right ... is to stay out of cotton fields. Thanks, Mom.
    This is a good site for venting. Respect for all of you carrying pain.

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